Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
