i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Alive.
So much puke
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think my moral compass just broke
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