I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
