I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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