I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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