We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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