If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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