Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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