Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
