So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
