After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.