and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
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Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
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If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.