Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just gift wrapped bread.
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I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
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Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me