Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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