sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
