2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
