Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Couch. On fire.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
