"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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