When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
