How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
