Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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