Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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