Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
