my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
the liver wants what the liver wants
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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