The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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