She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
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possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.