Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation