I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??