Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.