Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?