The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
