i was rollin on her like bob the builder
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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