He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
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We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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