I CAN MOONWALK!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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