the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
