$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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