Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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