my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She told me I should be a condom model.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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