this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The adults are the big ones right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
