woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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