god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
