Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
