Will you blow on my dice?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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