that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I am naked and annoyed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
