her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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