I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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