Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My ass is underappreciated
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
