mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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