My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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