I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
