I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
