Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
