It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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