Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
