I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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