As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
