Sorry, I don't speak sober.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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