Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
