I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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