He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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