Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We talked him into tasing himself.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
