fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
