I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
