You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
