I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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