wanna go halves on a baby?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
